Valuable lessons for the careless husband

Disclaimer: Though i would love to say that the below mentioned points are from personal experiences, this disclaimer is to clearly state that i have no intention of saying so. This is to ensure that my future in my current accommodation is not in any way put at risk!

Every husband has always had something to learn from his wife. So, why then special instructions for the “careless” kind? This is because each and every instance below can be safely negotiated by being that extra bit careful. The careless husbands are usually the ones who face situations listed below. So go ahead, learn these lessons and be wary!

Lesson 1 – Doing the Dishes

The husband doing the dishes is a common thing in today’s generation. But, with the availability of maids to do the chores, it is not often that the husband needs to do this. There may be days when the maid is on leave and the wife asks the husband to do the dishes. Chivalrous that we are, we immediately accept the task. So, what then is the issue?

The problem : Have you ever noticed that the number of utensils that were present (at the time you accepted the request) has mysteriously quadrupled by the time you actually start the task? The reasoning is simple. Once you accept the task, out come all the vessels from deep inside the cupboards as that day, co-incidentally, happens to be the day the wife has decided to clean all unused vessels.

The wrong solution: There are many excuses that you can come up with. You can always say that you have a small cut on your right-index finger and the soap solution might infect the wound and it is pretty obvious that you cannot wash the dishes with only one hand. So, you say that you will do the dishes “tomorrow”. Don’t EVER do this. This is asking for big trouble. What will happen is that the wife will conveniently decide to put off all cleaning to the next day! Then, you yourself have made a mountain out of a molehill and you will end up spending the entire time required for one inning of the T-20 match the next day, just doing the dishes.  See wives are smart. Of course, that is why you have married her in the first place! Well, the lack of many dumb blondes in India is something of national importance to be discussed later.

The correct solution: When you get a request to do the dishes and you accept it, go and do the task IMMEDIATELY. Yes, that’s “immediately” in capitals. Do not wait for the show, that you are watching, to complete and then go for the task. Also, ensure that your rate of washing utensils is faster than the rate of the wife’s consumption by means of that extra coffee or that one biscuit on a big plate etc.

Lesson 2 – Appreciating exotic food items

The Problem: In good old olden days (something like 3 yrs back), wives never found the time to watch the various cookery programmes on TV, as they were at work or busy with household chores. But, with the recent advent of Tata Sky Plus and the like in India this is not a concern, as they can just the record the program and watch it later. So, if your “PLAN” i.e. the recorded programmes list looks like the one below, you have a problem!

Amazing Race, Cookery Programme on SUN TV, Amazing Race Asia, Cookery Programme on Jaya TV, The Weakest Link, Cookery Programme on DD Podhigai, Globe Trekker, Cookery programme on Zee TV etc

So, what happens is that the wifey decides to attempt all the exotic dishes shown and who else but you will be the guinea pig? On one fine November morning, the breakfast happens to be “Semiya Adai” (Rough English Translation - Vermicelli based thick Dosa). You need breakfast, so you eat whatever is offered. Then the inevitable happens. The question is posed – “So, how is the dish?”

The wrong solution: Every husband loves his wife (and sometimes, other’s too!). So, you lovingly answer the question by saying “It is good, i like it” or something which conveys the same message. This is the first mistake you have committed! Once you have said this, you start noticing trends. Over the following days/weeks, you notice that “Semiya Adai” starts appearing frequently on the menu. You can’t of course complain as this is a dish which “you like”! You try to trick your wife by saying that you will leave 2 (out of the 3 offered) for her. But, she is smart (as we already know it). She replies by saying that all the “Semiya Adais” are for you, as she has separately made Chappatis and Sabji for her! How cruel…

The correct solution: If you are already at a managerial position, then it should be a cake walk for you. You just have to follow the same steps that you do when you convey a bad grade in an extremely positive way that the employee forgets that he actually has had a bad grade and goes out smiling from the room ! Let’s translate this scenario for the benefit of those who are yet to do evaluations. So, this is how your response “could” be. Why i am saying “could” is that there is no perfect solution. If there was one, then the world would have been a better place.

1. If you have a small kid, you can give him/her a piece. Like any kid would react to a new item, the kit would spit it out. Then you can have innocent conversations (loud enough innocent conversations) with the kid like “Oh, is it spicy?”, “what? you don’t like it” etc
2. Few hours after the breakfast, you can fake a stomach ache and hope that the connection is understood.
3. The best option which usually works is to lovingly feed few pieces of the dish to your wife!

Lesson 3: Always be on guard

The problem:  MOMs (Minutes of meetings) are never recorded for any conversations which happen between a wife and a husband. So, it often always becomes impossible to justify whether you did or did not say something. At home, most of the husbands  spend most of the time in front of the TV in their eternal quest for knowledge enhancement e.g. How well would Pamela Anderson dance to the tune of Dhak Dhak on Big Boss? Unfortunately, they are also at their most vulnerable state while watching TV. The wives know this, part of the KT passed on through generations of women. That is why most of the tricky questions are asked by the wife when you are in front of the TV. While you are concentrating and trying to unravel the mastery of the front foot defence exhibited by Rahul Dravid, you would have unknowingly committed to clean the other room , the one from which you cannot see the TV.

The wrong solution: Trying to defend by saying that you never accepted or you never replied. It doesn’t work and it never will. If you try to, then you have to listen to hours of lectures on your worthlessness within the house and how that she is doing all the work while you are just lazing around. Of course, it also doesn’t help if you have a kid who, on realising your precarious position comes and says “Appa, Cbeebies Podu” (Appa, put Cbeebies Channel). As we all know, it is unheard of for a dad to watch a TV channel of his preference when his innocent kid wants to watch an absolutely dumb channel.

The correct solution: But Tata Sky Plus. The moment you hear a question, Hit the pause button, request for the question to be repeated, reply with a clear state of mind “No, I can’t”, hit the play button and continue on your knowledge enhancement.

Learning lessons from your wife is a continuous and inevitable process. If you want to see some of the past lessons that i had learnt, see here.